Fifty shades of grey, Mastram and Indian potential

Caution: Offensive Stuff! 

They stole our Kohinoor, ruled over us for 200 years, made a Babu (clerk) out of us, and then left us with a severe inferiority complex. Yes – the very Indian in me is literally boiling from inside.

Now excuse me please!

I started this blog post with this highly charged opening sentence not because the patriotic Indian in me is up for something but just because I couldn’t find anything good in the opening line to write about or to start about. The British Raj did contribute a lot in our history, culture and education – and in a lot of other important things like spreading Gupt Rog or STDs (Gulshan Grover’s character in Deepa Mehta’s 1998 film 1947 Earth did quote that).

Well, I don’t give a damn about Gupt Rog or anything of that sort. But yes, one thing that really bothers me is that why can’t we (Indians) write and promote books like “Fifty Shades of Grey” WHY can’t WE give a fitting reply or competition to E. L. James (the writer of Grey books…or these books) and if not  now then…. when. This is certainly a Golden Age of Indian literature or writing as we have a new breed of home-grown IIT+IIM Package writers (undisputed bestsellers), who know what to write that appeals, but still we are lagging behind when it comes to writing erotic stuff…sadly, we are not making the most of our Potential. Why? Why? Why?

A country which has a cult following of Mastram and Savita Bhabhi, it is such a shame that we haven’t been able to assert and establish our position on the global scale. Obviously, we couldn’t sell our stuff (erotic Heroes or household names) on a global scale. Because, we didn’t take them seriously and now look what E. L. James has achieved! Yes, we did lose a lot on that but now the time has come to assert our position. We need to believe in ourselves and yes we can deliver.

Photo Courtesy: telegraph.co.uk

First of all, one of the obvious reasons behind the soaring popularity of E. L. James’ books in India is – they are written in English and of course they talk about Sex. I bet – when it comes to vivid description to achieve the highest degree of titillation – Mastram and Savita Bhabi can beat Fifty Shades of Grey – on any given day. Yes that’s called confidence. But, our Mastram or books based on this genre should be written in English. Indian writing in English is certainly going through a golden phase at the moment – with new writers emerging like frogs during Monsoon and this surge can be compared with the in-flow of Punjabi singers – apparently there are hugely talented singers in every nook and corner of Punjab, likewise, we have a swelling pool of talented writers now.

Let me reiterate again. The obvious reason behind the popularity of James’ books in India is that they are written in English and written by an English Writer (Firangi – originally from England). Guys same goes with our Indian abuses. When someone hurls – MC, BC or any other Indian abuse in Hindi it is considered so uncool but WTF, MF, SF, A-hole, well they are just too cool. OK, I get it. It is also important for all the CAT (Common Admission Test) aspirants to read stuff written in English to improve their comprehension skills. For that we have Chetan Bhagat and others. That is fine. But, we are really lagging behind in churning out sell-able erotic stuff – written in English by an Indian Writer.

But imagine if we could produce Desi versions of Fifty Shades of Grey or something on the same lines. It can do a lot of good to our country. The time has come to harvest the Desi Talent. Yes, our guys can beat E. L. James and make her stuff look awful or utterly Un-Cool. Forget about SDBM and all that – our Indian guys can write something far more engrossing and innovative and we shouldn’t forget that India gave Kamasutra to the world. So, when it comes to sex, we have the authority. All we are missing here is the WILL…Yes that Will is missing.

Now, the time has come for India to reclaim that title of Knowledge guru of the world or Sex guru of the world – both are same…aren’t they! Yes, they are.

Now, how can we do it? We need thinkers, activists and Doers (Yes, those who don’t do different things, but do the same things differently – I hope I got it right) and lastly the writers. We need people who can bring back those glory days to India and really make us a powerhouse of that pure knowledge. If India needs to project itself as a superpower, we need to understand that yes, we have that potential.

We need a solid PR agency and people those who have passion to promote this thing if they want to take India forward. Our country is just brimming up with such people, but at this moment, I could only come up with four names – Chetan Bhagat, Mahesh Bhatt, Suhel Seth and Shiv Khera. Yes, these guys can make that difference. Yes they can!

Chetan Bhagat – we need this greatest ever Indian writer to promote stuff or sell it, if he wants then he can also write. He could have easily done that by elaborating those sex scenes in his IIT+IIM based stories. And, yes he is the one who started this trend of sending a book to the publishers with a PPT Presentation (how to sell it). He is the Best we have.

Then comes Mahesh Bhatt – He is not only Alia Bhatt’s father but a man who is nothing less than an ocean of knowledge. He knows everything and anything about this world and all the issues plaguing our modern society. If Opinions are like Assh*** and everybody has one and if the world is ruled by Assh***S! Then there is nothing left to say. He knows literally everything in the world, and has opinion over anything. So, all we need is his opinions to garner enough support for this proposed plan of taking Mastram and Savita Bhabi cult movement to the world.

Then comes Suhel Seth – he is an ever-alert and ever-present celebrity guest on those electrified talk shows (which are shown only on English News Channels). This guy has that unique penchant to fondle with delicate subjects by using oh-so-cool-words to create interest among viewers. He can stay calm amidst heated conversations and sometimes it appears that he is just there to balance out the ambience in debates. He is just there.. Everywhere. He can give his valuable inputs on how to create a global Mastram in a longer run.

And, in the end, we have the one and only Shiv Khera – remember “Winners don’t do different things, but they do things differently” now apply this logic to sex books or porn books of E.L. James – guys, it is not something new, but it’s all about showing it from different angles. Appetite for erotic literature is such that people will read the same stuff again and again – only if you are willing to serve. And, Khera has loads of advises on how to present things differently. He can be the pillar of strength for all those writers who are still battling with inhibitions.

I can visualize that day, when students in Delhi Metro would be carrying Mastram or Savita Bhabhi books instead of “Fifty Shades of Grey” because that would look so cool. How can something not be so cool – if written by Chetan Bhagat, supported by Mahesh Bhatt, debated by Suhel Seth and motivated by Shiv Khera. And now visualize about all those people who would read about Mastram and Savita Bhabhi in UK, USA and in rest of the world. Folks, we can earn huge money for India by selling something we are really good at – we shouldn’t forget that. We can become the leader in churning out 21st Century’s Creative Erotic Stuff – absolutely Made in India.

Chetan Bhagat: Man who brought “Reading-Revolution” to India

Caution 1: Long Post!

Caution 2: First Paragraph does not talk about Bhagat and his Bhagats.

Chetan Bhagat (Photo Courtesy - iDiva)

In the late 90s, Doordarshan was the only channel for the entire nation. And then DD Metro was launched as a second channel for Metro Cities only. And, the same happened with Cable TV – initially, it set its foot in Metropolitan Cities and it took some years before it could enter 2nd Tier or 3rd Tier Cities and finally villages of India. There was always a gap and will ever be between city dwellers and village folks – and to not had Cable TV further widened it. Cable TV not only amplified the entertainment options but it also brought Westerns Music, Sitcoms and Hollywood into Indian homes. It jolted Indians in an overt manner much like Madhuri Dixit scared Aamir Khan with her 440 Volts in Dil. A volcano of information had erupted and it became a rage to know more and more about West. USA was a dream land of Bold and Beautiful people, WWF Wrestlers and Pamela Anderson. And, it led us to a constant cribbing regarding Bollywood and Desi Serials, which had to evolve into a rage – and ultimately Cable TV viewing Indians vented out their anger in the form of scathing criticism for India. It was a matter of knowing and not-knowing. We have come this far in these twenty years, but for many it is still a kind of Hip-Thing to watch an English Movie and to brag about it in front of friends. To certain extent this same thing goes with the reading preferences of the Indians. And, Bhagat has really done a lot in that context. Not judging his contribution in improving the English of Indians, but he certainly made them read his stuff – written in English.

Now, let’s talk about Bhagat now. I know the beauty of description lies in brevity. But, no harm if you can exaggerate simple things to fill-up pages and be bluntly straightforward – when it comes to some steamy action. Bhagat has a knack for that – he can drag a Class-Room Scene to three pages and serve up a Sex Scene in a few words – “they just had to do it” kind of stuff. Easy availability of Porn on the Internet has done the same thing to current generation – they just want to see quick action or main action.

Once again, I would refer to the first paragraph that I wrote – In the early 90s – watching English Movies and to know more about America than your country became a rage or a true sense of modernity. Consequently, our reading habits also evolved with time. More and more Indians or young people want to read English stuff, but why waste time in understanding the nuance of description and immense power of word-play by reading the Novels of Rushdie, Seth or for that matter Arundhati Roy. Damn, who would like to check the dictionary at least 5 times to understand a single page written by these guys. They are boring and difficult to understand. And, Bhagat comes forth as a right substitute – cool Lingo dude. Just like we used to read those Top Twenty or King Champions notes to pass our supplementary courses in DU Exams.

Earlier, they used to sell a pack of five or ten old magazines at Railway Stations or Bus Terminals – but now they have Bhagat’s gems – five point someone, one night at a call center and many others. In the 90s, to talk about movies and cricket was vogue or in fashion, likewise reading is in vogue these days. And Bhagat is a shot-cut to intellectual enlightenment. You can read easy English and achieve that sense of satisfaction. There is an X-Factor associated with Bhagat. He is an ex-IIT and IIM Student. Well, for some people that is enough.  And, even if he criticizes these two premier institutes of India – he has been there done that. We just can’t do that and shouldn’t.

I did talk to a few who have read Bhagat’s novels. They all asserted that his books are easy to read and quite interesting - with a few quick sex scenes. Bhagat’s popularity has increased multifold since the release of his first book because this guy didn’t change a bit nor his writing style and stories – so he will never riddle you with something new – content with his content which has earned him immense following. Same goes with Bollywood. We do criticize it vehemently for producing clichés and non-sense content, but ultimately that’s what we like. And, in a country more than a billion people, it hardly matters. Because even if you get hold of 5% people – you are not the best seller but a Super-Seller. To read in English is hip and happening then why not Bhagat – the writer for masses. For many Indians, Bollywood is a get away from their treacherous daily life – and likewise Bhagat is there for them, a true-partner in their Intellectual ride – a pure vicarious pleasure.